Change: Back to One

I haven’t posted any blogs for a while now. I had a lot I needed to sort out and to be frank, for quite a while now, I couldn’t seem to express myself in words. And I started doing what I did in my Primary school diaries- Avoiding things that were difficult for me to talk about. I didn’t think I would be doing that at 19. But denial is a disease for all ages I guess.

I’ve mentioned how difficult listening to everyone’s problems has been. And 2016 has given me a particularly huge influx. I’m glad that I’m easy to talk to, no matter if it’s about small problems like stress, or issues like relationships, break ups, family, jealousy, discomfort… but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s tiring. And as much as I care, to want to be there for everyone, that is precisely why I get very attached and affected by their problems. It’s like looking at a big picture and being the only one who sees all the flaws in its truth. I felt disillusioned. But part of that was my fault as well. I saw confused flaws and inconsistencies as hypocrisy, and I should have given these people more credit.

Still, I snapped. At my Cellgroup, for me seeing the problems they told me about, and for me overthinking. I was really rude and took it out on genuinely well-meaning people with good intentions. That was my mistake and I’ll have to work that out for myself. 

Just this holiday, I started acting very unlike myself. I was neat. Not exactly organized, but I organized whenever I could. Everything from my clothes to cutlery to my bags. And the insomnia I last had during A Levels came back. It’s true, I have bad sleeping habits, sleeping at awkward timings, but I always, always slept deeply.

All that aside, what really sent me into a mini panic was my hand trembling. That only ever happened during A Levels when I’d been clutching my fists too tightly in my sleep. My GPA was coming out around that period of time, so I thought perhaps it could be because of stress from academic issues. Maybe I just had jitters even though I kept telling myself I didn’t care. That day when Sze Liang noticed the trembling, it really put me on edge.

I have been told many times not to keep things inside. It’s strange, I always thought I was an open book. I always thought I voiced out my opinions enough. I always felt I was being lazy, not taking up as much as I should. But I remember every event or activity I’ve been part of organizing, people told me not to keep things inside. That was the feedback I received for 2014 Ying Xin TXY Orientation Camp, from Yun Fang and Feng Ling. “Don’t bear things on your own.” Hong Wei’s message was as such too, in his own way. On the 2nd day of Camp, when I was completely exhausted, I’d sat outside the auditorium, and completely stoned.When he had some spare time, Hong Wei came to sit beside me and we just got the silent rest I needed before getting back to work again.

 I just always thought those people thought too highly of me. I wasn’t some self-sacrificing nice girl. I’m still not. In actual fact, I thought my refusal to filter, my blunt straightforwardness was honesty. I was honest with what I said, not with the way I acted. Not with the way I felt. And I really didn’t know I was upset till it was too late, and I was sorry.

Other weird things I did: I couldn’t read, I couldn’t finish watching my Korean Dramas. Like sit down and read a book or watch an episode properly. I used to go through 3 or 4 books a day. I couldn’t write either. My poetry account is rotting. I got obsessed  with rubik’s cubes from watching this China Show, “The Brain”(最强大脑) and bought 3 off Carousell. I stopped smiling at Babies and kids and I just didn’t know what to do with them. And let’s be clear, it used to be like my life’s momentary mission to make crying babies on MRT trains laugh. Somewhere along the line I just sort of lost patience, I guess?

I just needed to chart my thoughts out somewhere. I’ve found a therapy that I think will help me move on from this mistake and release all the pent-up frustration and negativity I have inside. But that’s a whole new post in itself, which- I promise- I’ll find time to write.


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