Countdown

I’m actually not done with Xmas posts yet, but I’ll move on to countdown. 2016 was recognized to be a rather shitty year for everyone. From Christina Grimmie, to Prince, to David Bowie to TRUMP (Oh- my – goodness) . But it’s been a rather good year for me. I won’t go as far as to say that I like myself, but the me now? I can work with her.

Ok I really did all the shit I wanted to do today. I started out 2017 wilfully so I’ll be nice the whole year going forward. I went for KTV with the TXY LaoYings (Hong Wei, Jin Jie, Yan Xin, Miao Xin, Jia Ying, Yan Ting) and I really heck cared if I was off tune (I was. Every song.) And I really do know a lot more Chinese songs than I think I do.

Then I reached Jie Qian’s house at 11pm? And after countdown they all qanted to head straight home. But after travelling from Buona, I didn’t want to just head home so I stayed a bit longer than I should have (I’m still here.)

I should probably be more considerate about staying over wherever, and keeping people up. If any of you guys are reading this, I’m sorry for making you stay up with me and I promise I won’t do that again๐Ÿ‘Œ

But yay! I finally satisfied my Bridge craving.
2016 was a good year for friendship if not anything else. A lot of people come to chat and rant to me about their problems and worries and whatnot. But not many stay in contact after. I’m quite used to people hugging and crying to me and making me cry, before reverting to hi-bye friends right after. And to be frank, I’ve grown quite numb about that. So to have those people actively stay in contact and being willing to be there for me? It’s surprising. Its touching.

I’m a very lucky girl. 2016’s been a good year.

But the number 17๐Ÿ˜ง Fingers crossed โœŒ

And shit. I’m 20.

What Nonsense?

Ok so my GPA came out today and to be frank I wanted a good GPA quite a lot, but I didn’t expect much. I didn’t really study and I read most of my texts and readings on the actual day or day before the exam so… Yeah. I really wanted it, just not soon enough, and not urgently enough.

Thank God I SUed Accounting (oh my goodness) and I was really very surprised that I managed to maintain my B+/A- average, so my current GPA is 4.23. It’s not amazing and I feel it’s such a waste, because I really didn’t study, but it’s a good enough GPA for me to pull up in the future. The most important thing to me now is that I really am happy about what I’m doing and to know that I don’t suck at it feels comforting.

My hand still feels wonky. It hasn’t trembled since lunch yesterday but it still feels stiff and heavy. I hate the feeling of it right now, the way I can’t control my fingers completely. I don’t know if I twisted it or something but my vein’s been popping out since yesterday.

Maybe it’s just a muscle spasm, like when your knees buckle beneath you. I’ll give it a week because my Mum would recommend accupuncture and while I don’t mind needles or physical pain for the most part, I’m not in love with them. So for now, let’s not. ๐Ÿ’ช

Christmas This Year (II) With Peter

If my sister or Mum were stalking me they’d both be going, “Omg who’s Peter? Is she dating someone?”

No I am not. Peter is the name of my cellgroup, whom I spent the past 3 day with, celebrating Christmas. On Christmas Eve, we made sandwiches and played Bridge. On Christmas morning we went for Service and lepaked in Church. Then on Boxing Day, we went for laser tag.

Which I sucked at but it doesn’t matter muahaha. Negative 17 Bwahahha. Not salty at all BWAHAHA.

Jem mentioned that I’ve been writing too many cards. Which is really true- I’ve been WAAAAAY too excited about card paper. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have written NS cards. I just felt so sorry for the poor boys, and they really have matured a lot in the process. Army= Ah Boys to Men indeed.๐Ÿ˜Œ

They still have freakishly childish moments though.

Jun Han: ” Shit. Does ‘Opening’ have 2 ‘N’s or 1 ‘N?”

Jem and Reuben: “TWO!”

Jun Han: “Haaa… but I wrote already eh.”

Me: “You wrote 2 ‘N’s? No what, that’s correct. Opening has 1 N.”

Jem: *WINKS VEHEMENTLY “No. It has 2.”

Reuben: “Yeah yeah,” *WINK WINK “It has 2 ‘N’s.

Jun Han freezes.

Reuben: “Who do you trust, Jun Han, who do you trust, the ARMY OFFICER or-“

Me: “The ENGLISH MAJOR?”

Sze Liang bursts out laughing.

Reuben: “Well…. exactly. The English Major that has not even graduated yet.”

Me: “Just the fact that I got in?”

Reuben: “Oh yeah true, that’s a good point. Wait, no no no, that’s not good…”

I don’t even remember how this convo died but I remember Jun Han just silently continuing to write his card. As stupid as it is, I do miss seeing those boys and Mong Han. Not going to cellgroup has helped me become more independent, and in a way, it’s made me more mature. But I have to admit, walking into Church didn’t feel familiar until my cellbrothers started teasing me and I whacked them all. ๐Ÿ˜Š Including Sze Liang, which I was quite surprised about because I’d never really thought about whether we knew each other well enough to be whacking him until my hand just did. I think it was the same for the 97s- Jie Qian, Tong Xin, Jem and Reuben too. They just have this energy about them and their interaction with each other that makes everyone want to smile.

Mmm… there’s not much to talk about when it comes to Church Pals on Christmas Day itself because they weren’t the bulk of my plans. But basically we observed True Grace Church’s annual Baptism ceremony, which Mong Han seemed quite excited to learn about. Its my 3rd year watching so I’m glad it wasn’t as long as I thought it would be.

And after lunch, there was the ridiculous moment when Jem asked me to scroll his lyrics for him on his phone so he could play guitar and sing along while Sze Liang drummed.๐Ÿ˜’ And the numerous songs he switched because he couldn’t find one to fit his range.

Oh 1 takeaway- Sze Liang really started taking drumming lessons. He said he’s always wanted to and he did, and I’m glad he’s at that point. I’ve been wondering if I should learn the piano songs I really want to learn to play now while I’m in Uni. I’ve procrastinated and pushed back driving lessons for long enough now. And I really feel my youth slipping away. Maybe it’s time I started taking the things I want to do more seriously now. 

Ok so laser tag today was fun๐Ÿ˜Š I suck at it but it was fun. In the end I didn’t even care whether I got -17 or 0, I just walked over to the other teams base cos it’s boring to just stay in a corner and you’ll never accomplish anything that way. HUGE life lesson.

But I finally got to play BRIDGE. WHEEEE. Only I sucked at that too today๐Ÿ˜…. I feel like my brain was on shutdown the entire day. I actually didn’t burn anyone even when I got burned. That is when you know my brain isn’t working.

MAO.

It actually felt great to let my brain die for the day. And it makes me feel more secure about the friendships I’ve made in Jem’s church as well. When you let your brain die, not many people can take that from you. I ruined so many bridge games today, I left my sentences unfinished and I said so much nonsense. And all they ever were was patient with me. It’s a very small thing. But my 2nd highest scored love language is Acts of service so it really goes a long way for me.

I wasn’t going to put this down. It seemed a little unnecessary but I should keep myself from pretending nothing happened. While playing Bridge, my right hand started shaking quite a bit. Sze Liang thought I was having difficulty sorting out my cards so he helped me arrange them according to suit. So at first I thought it was just my eyes twitching. But he noticed the shaking too and asked if my hands were cold because of sweaty palms. I wasn’t cold at all. And the only other time that happened was during A Levels and after that, while waiting for results. I’ve only ever had my hand tremble because of stress. I don’t know if it’s because my subconsciousness knows my Uni 1st Sem results will be out tomorrow, but somehow I don’t think that’s why. My right arm feels a bit numb and heavy.

I think I’ll just sleep on it and see how it goes.๐Ÿ˜Š

Sidetrack for a moment… Love is hard to find.

โ€‹Looking at this tree now makes me wonder if Da Bo ever had someone he cared about. My third maternal Uncle found love in a Malay Woman, and married her when he was 50, I think? He’d been told not to have an inter racial marriage so many times but when love comes and you’re sure you just want to stay with that one person forever, I guess you just can’t say no. So would Da Bo have had a shot at love too?

I always make jokes about staying forever single because it’s entirely possible since I’m becoming more and more anti-social. Besides, I genuinely don’t see any problem with singlehood, and I don’t believe that love is something that anyone should claim to deserve to have. You’re lucky to have Love. End of story.

And I think that some people only fall in love once. If you look at how dead my hormones are and do a rough gauge of math, I’ll probably develop an infatuation for like maybe 5 guys my whole life? By friendzoning and persuading myself to no-go, I’ll probably miss out on three of those guys. While the other two might not even last through the trial dating period because of differences in personality or circumstances like that. So the chances of someone like me falling for and fully learning to depend on someone is once my entire life, or probably none at all.

Spinsterhood is definitely a possibility that I think I’ll be able to willingly embrace with open arms๐Ÿ˜Š. But I do feel sad that Da Bo never found anyone he loved. I think that person would have been very lucky.

Christmas This Year (I) (Home)

Despite not being a Christian, Christmas has always been my favourite event each year. I don’t know if it’s just the superficial reason of getting to see really gaudy christmas decorations all over shopping malls, and neighbourhood GRCs’ desperate attempts to fit tinsel and fairy lights somewhere around void decks and park connectors… I just love Christmas.

Every year, my Dad insists on putting up the Christmas tree that my late Da Bo (First Paternal Uncle) bought many many years ago. My Uncle was diagnosed in his lates 20s or early 30s -if I’m not wrong- and died of cancer when he was barely in his mid 40s. He was a smart man, and studying came very easily to him. He received scholarships, got a stable job and bought a condominium apartment when I was about 4-5 years old.

 In the beginning, we used the condominium as sort of a vacation house. When we wanted to go swimming or stay over for a getaway over the weekend we did.

I didn’t know where to put this in so I thought I would just clarify here. The reason we were so free to use the condominium was because Da Bo never had kids of his own, and never got married. He treated me and my siblings like his own children. From the moment I was born he started making plans for me, buying education insurance policies, and giving a bit of his assets to me and my siblings.

He probably never expected to get the chance to settle down with someone and have a couple of kids, post-cancer. I got my stubborness and negativity from my Dad, and I’m pretty sure my Uncle had that too. I asked my Dad if he’d ever had a girlfriend or anyone he brought home to Grandma before. He never did, or at least my Dad didn’t know of anyone at all. My siblings and I were lucky to have had a very attentively doting Uncle who quite willingly splurged on us.

The Christmas tree was probably bought for us as well. All children like pretty, shiny things, after all. My Father mentioned just the other day, when we were putting up the tree, “I still can’t understand why a foul tempered bachelor like your Uncle wanted to get a Christmas tree.” I didn’t say it, but I think it was because of us. He’s not the type to spend a few hundred dollars just because he felt like getting something pretty for himself.

Here it is^ ๐Ÿ™‚

The reason why our tree looks so uncoordinated is because each year, we add on new decorations, but we never throw any out. Not even the broken ones, or the fake presents at the foot of the tree that are actually just blocks of styrofoam in wrapping paper. We never talked about why or why not, we just don’t think about throwing them out.

For Christmas dinner, I made Mash potatoes to go with the cold storage chicken we bought, and my Mum stir-fried KangKong with rice. So many calories. Da Bo would be happy if he knew how well I was eating๐Ÿ˜. And he would flip if he knew how much weight I was gaining. My entire paternal family is obsessed about appearances (Frankly, I think this is because my paternal family doesn’t have good visuals in our genes) and he’s no exception. I think about things like that sometimes. He’s really given me a lot.

The Season of Giving. ๐ŸŽ„In some ways, Da Bo’s like the ghost of Christmas past to my family. He teaches us to remember when we had much less than we do now, to appreciate what we have and to hold on to memories that remind us to think of others. 

Sally Hansen’s Belle of the Ball

โ€‹I thought I was past the age

to be painting my nails purple
to piss you off.
I guess age is just a number,
and we leopards never change our spots.
You say no one is expected to have a rebellious stage.
So that’s all my opinion means to you?
An age of rebellion?
You say that putting you down is putting myself down,
because my roots began with you.
I say that dismissing my opinions and belittling me is insulting yourself,
because genetics dictates that I came from you.
I say you never ever listen.
Not to me.
Not to yourself.
It’s true that the brain loves, not the heart.
The tumour in your brain has done so much damage,
you are bereft of compassion,
you are extreme and unkind and impatient.
And you don’t listen.
I love you but you never listen.
I’ve stopped caring if you do

.

Upset

I used to think I had a bad temper. Ok I’ll admit it’s hard to think that when your sister is in the next room kicking and screaming, throwing things and slamming doors. But I thought that getting feeling that roundabout turning in your stomach and having your eyebrows knitted and being unable to unwrinkle then naturally meant I had a low tolerance for things not going my way. I only realized recently that I don’t get angry. I don’t rage often, I don’t yell often, I don’t lose patience often. I say “I’ve lost patience” but I go back to it always.

I think upset is a good word. I’ve been through a lot of shiz, and talked people through a lot of shiz, and none of them have ever made me completely blow up before. There are emotions I don’t handle well, admittedly, like fear and disappointment, but I’ve never felt completely senseless. I say things and I know I don’t mean them. There has never been a moment where I just absolutely lose control. I have broken down. But it wasn’t complete sadness, more like a plethora of emotions flooding through me. Such that my balance felt … Upset.

I’ve never truly been angry. It feels like a lot of negativity being cooped up inside, but I don’t feel like there’s anything to be angry about, so upset.

That’s a very good word.