Looking Forward

I’m looking forward to the end of this week because it means the end of 2 presentations- 1 for Accounting and 1 for critical writing. Both of which I am dreading. So much I don’t even want to talk about why.

I was leaving the house for lecture yesterday and just before I did I got a really bad dizzy spell. I almost wanted to cab to school but I’m too cheap to do that for a 2 hour lecture.Instead I took my time getting to school, taking 10minutes to walk very groggily to the MRT station isntead of my usual 3minutes. Then after getting off at Boon Lay, I walked into 7-11 and bought 2 bottles of HTwoO and just sat outside on the steps opposite the smokers and downed half a bottle. Because  my head was getting so giddy at that point.

I walked into lecture about a half hour late but frankly, nobody really cares in Uni. Today I realized my real issue with all this is that I don’t feel like I can breathe in all the way. Like deeply. My breaths now are just very short and I keep coughing which is just annoying because I don’t actually have a cough. It’s just this need exhale more than you inhale that causes me to cough little coughs.

I’m looking forward to the end of this week, where I can start relaxing myself for real (After I finish my last essay) and start organizing my texts and themes. All my tutors’ feedback so far have all been about not exploring my points deeper (Which I want to, but word count?) and not having a strong enough intro to accompany my thesis. So far all I’ve gotten are B+/A- grades. And I don’t mean B pluses and A minuses I mean a slash grade.Which means pretty much all my tutors have a strong idea on where I’m at- Stuck:)
Back in secondary school, when everyone learnt the word “Migraine”, they started using it back and forth. And I dare say none of them actually had a migraine. A slight headache maybe. It just became a good excuse to skip classes. I don’t think I’ve ever had a migraine in my life, until yesterday.

I just ate 1 plain sushi.

I just spent 5 minutes throwing up 1 plain sushi.

Sushi actually doesn’t feel worth ot anymore.

I’m SO looking forward to the end of this week.

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Make-Up on my face feels broken. It’s not working.

I literally have all my parents’ worst features.

My Dad has big dark eyes. My Mum has big eyes with too much white and too little black. I have my Mum’s eyes. My Mum’s nose is dainty. My Dad’s nose is big and jelly-roll. I have my Dad’s nose. My Mum has slightly buck teeth. My Dad has a regular set of teeth. I have my Mum’s teeth. My Dad has thick bushy brows. My Mum has little to no brows. My Mum has sensitive skin and my Dad has acne/oily combination skin. I have both. Flying BOTH.
Literally EVERYthing broken up on my face is not attractive. I’m not gonna be some modest piece of hypocrisy here saying “Omg I’m so ugly” and all that shit. I think I look okay, when I bother looking okay, and occassionally when I don’t. I don’t think I’ve ever felt full on pretty before, but that’s probably cos I keep myself 2 notches dressed down for everything, for comfort’s sake.

Now my sister has been watching Youtube Makeup tutorial videos since she was 10. She is on Youtube so much, I pry her Ipad away from her in her sleep. (Seriously, I just did that. She was sleeping like a horizontal Jesus on a cross holding her Ipad cover along her shoulder, her Ipad dangling precariously on the edge of her bed because she didn’t even know it’d dropped out of the case.) My sister has a habit of saying how she can do things so muh better than you.

“You seriously suck at this (painting my nails for prom). I can do it so much better.”

“Why did you dye your hair like that? I can do it so much better, you should have just asked me la!”

“Omg why do you do your brows so weirdly? I wanna help you do your makeup! Omg I can’t stand it you suck at this!”

Over the 14 years of being this girl’s sibling, despite being the one that actually argues back, I too have learnt the model answer that I know will solve the problem. By the problem I mean the unrequited correspondence between her mouth and my ear. By the answer, I mean “Fine then. You do it. I’ll ask you the next time since you so kindly volunteered.”

I didn’t mind having shitty nails for Prom (Seriously who would even look at my nails?) because my Mum said she sucked worse than i did at painting my nails haha. She abandoned me in the toilet with a very uneven hair dye job because she realized she sucked worse at it than I did doing it alone. “Why would you even ask for my help in the first place?!” And she offered to do my make up, but she couldn’t even do my brows and she blamed it on my face. And then sheepishly said “I’m great at doing my own make-up. I really don’t know how to do yours.”

This might all seem annoying to you. But I just find it very very amusing when my Sister’s ego is just stuck there and she’s not as good at things as she claims to be. She said it herself the other day “I can’t handle not being good at things.”

She is good at doing make-up though. And I think I figured this out- My Face is easy to draw on. But not easy to draw on without looking like it’s been drawn on. If that makes sense.

First up, when I wear foundation, it often looks cake-y on my skin. No matter if it’s great fine powder, BB Cream or liquid foundation, it just looks cake-y to me. Second, I can’t cover my dark eye circles (Souvenirs from As and Os). Pei Yi tried with 3 layers of concealer. Doesn’t work. And because of that, when I wear eyeliner, tight line or winged, I look like a freaking clubbing owl.

My nose is quite high. Bones are not in weird places so they’re easy to contour and highlight (I just learnt these terms earlier this year💪💪💪). It just becomes quite unnatural when I do that. And yes. I blended. I BLENDED.

My Lips are always cracked. So matte doesn’t look smooth and make the cracks super obvious and patchy. But the non-matte (I forgot the term) kind just makes it look like I ate oily food and didn’t wipe my lips after. So… I’ve been using my fake Kailijumei Lipstick ($3) by smearing it on once then kissing tissue paper to lighten the colour, because that thing stains even after I shower. To be frank, I think I’m using it because I wanna get to the flower faster, and then dissect it, muahahhaha.

My Mum has done my make-up for me before but damn, does it show that she can’t let go of her little girl. The amount of blush on my face- I swear, I understand my hereditary yellowish unhealthy palour worries her (Both my Paternal Aunts have some form of Anaemia) but I sometimes feel like some baby Babboons have less pink on their butts. My sister just doesn’t know how to make make-up look natural on my Face. And as grateful as I am to Pei Yi, one of the nicest, kindest girls I know, for doing my Pon-prom make-up, I didn’t exactly feel like I looked good? It felt a bit like a kid playing with her Mum’s make up. And yesh I look young. That will come in handy 10 years from now. But it’s just been a curse so far☺.

I don’t think I’m even gonna try with make-up anymore. I don’t understand how my Uni classmates do it everyday. And I honestly don’t think it works that well on me, and I can’t be bothered to experiment. I’ll buy BB Cream now and then, and a nude lipstick of some sort. But yeah. Not going any further muahahaha.

It’s kind of Amazeballs…?

It’s kind of amazing that I finished 1.5k words overnight and I slept at 3.20, which really, 3 hours of sleep isn’t so bad. I have ample time to sort out format and make the changes I need to after having somebody vet my essay, and enough time to print out the 2000 words I squeezed out.

Praying that I get through this with a B.

I have all my points and I know they tie together but I don’t have my thesis

This is unusual, but my 2000 word essay on “Venus and Adonis” is due tomorrow and I’m 1k words short so far. Don’t worry, I have my points. I just have to type them out.

What’s really worrying is that I don’t have my intro yet. And yes I deserve this for procrastinating, but Survey is just so boring.I really haven’t close read most of my texts. 8 months of not studying has made it difficult to fall back into studying habits.

Still, I’m not going to get a C for my essay. I know this. I’m not getting Cs for any of my essays. Not when accountancy is already screwing me over.

I just ran into Nadbae and she was so encouraging😊 You can just do anything. So yesh, I shall just do anything and pass up a super average essay. I NEED TO START MUGGING THOUGH.

Happy Birthday Mr Alson Yong. We love you even though you are one of the lamest people ever.

I started a blogpost to thank Mr Yong and Miss Ni 6 months ago when I received my A Level Results. I haven’t finished it. And I don’t know if it’s just too emotional to put into words, too many things for my convoluted thoughts to organize, or if the list of things to thank them for is just never ending. I have a feeling I never will complete that post.

Happy Birthday Mr Yong:) He and Jem and Adam actually share the same birthday (October 7th and no, their personalities are not anything alike) so I’ll never forget it. I wouldn’t be me if I forgot the birthday of the wonderful teacher who always bought us cakes from Lola’s, fought to pick up the tab whenever he came by to disturb us when we were studying around Toa Payoh, wrote us cards on such girly notepaper that I swore he was gay until sex ed class talks, cried during our History cohort farewell, tolerated us drawing hardworking sloths on the whiteboard when we were supposed to be writing essays and even tried to give me cab money and medical fees when I had gastric flu and screwed up A Level Econs Paper… 

Mr Yong, there’s a reason why we haven’t organized a gathering like this. Our class may have fluid cliques, but we are clique-ish.And the simple reason why we haven’t gotten together was because we simply felt no need to. And like I was saying in my last post, some friendships just survive time and distances and I feel like our class had that rapport at dinner last night. Even Antz. We still have that same “Woodlands buddies can talk about anything” mentality. We actually haven’t seen each other since Lit Night, which was about 8 months back? And the reason why we had this opportunity was because we’re all thankful to Mr Yong, and we love him enough to pull out pockets of our time to celebrate his Birthday. We were his first batch, and we know that no other teacher will care and dote on us half as much as he does.

I wanted a black and white filter, because first of all, the lighting is horrible. We were in this impromptu service lift lobby that looked super shady. And also, it just gave the photo that vintage feel, and it suits the theme of the post. Some friendships just last a long time. Some friedships are just easier than others.

Friendships Falling … Back into place

I passed Jem his birthday card just on Saturday, and we talked a bit about how with some friendships, we can lose contact for a very long time, and when we come together again, things just fall right back into place. I think the best definition I have of that friendship is the one Hong Wei and I have. We are not each other’s closest friends, but our friendship is so incredibly low maintainence that we just fall back into our usual patterns when we do meet up.

Same thing, on Friday, I bumped into Daryl Tan, and despite all the doubts I had, I realized our friendship is pretty solid. It was a 3min convo but it did +feel like we fell back to our usual patterns. We have an easy friendship, easy rapport. We’ve grown up after seeing the worst of each other. Now, seeing each other doing well in different ways, we couldn’t stop smiling while teasing each other. I am very happy for Daryl. And I know he is for me too😊. (I’m probably happier).

I’m getting to my point. So apparently I wrote in Jem’s card that our friendship isn’t this kind of friendship. As low maintainence and close as we both are, our relationship takes work, is work. He sounded a bit awkward because I think he mistook it for me saying we are not as close as he thinks. (He’s such a girl, right?) I set things straight with him, and I’m going to make my point now. Just because our friendship is vulnerable to change, doesn’t mean it’s a weak one. It’s just because Jeremy’s friendship to me, has always represented change. Stepping out of my comfort zone has been there since Batam. I think for him too, reaching out to ask me to go to Batam was reaching out of his comfort zone as an introvert back then. Our friendship has always been based on change. Pushing each other to better ourselves, because aside from being friends, we’re also cellmates (No matter my religious beliefs). That’s what being cellmates means.

So we’re probably going to have to work a little harder to stay in each other’s lives. That’s no big deal. Like I said in Jem’s birthday card, more and more things will go without saying as the years go past, and I’ll have less things to write about in his birthday Cards. 

This is basically the context linked to Mr Yong’s Birthday dedication post (Whoohoo!) It actually was part of  that post, but this got too long and veered off point, and I had to start a new post for this.

Shoulders

I don’t like leaning on other people’s shoulders. I do it to my friends sometimes just because they hate it 😏 but I don’t actually nua on them all the way either. My neck does more work than their shoulders do, which explains why I don’t nua on them for long. I don’t think I’ve ever even had my arm over instead of under someone else’s arm when we were posing for photos.

I’m pretty sure this came from watching this really funny TV show when I was really young, where a newly married couple were arguing about whether or not the wife should sleep on her Husband’s shoulder. Apparently she woke up in the middle of the night and removed his arm from under her head because she was afraid his arm would ache. He woke up to her back facing him, and started complaining about how he felt ignored. From then on I never liked leaning on anyone’s shoulder. Not even my Mum’s, when I had food poisoning on the plane ride home from China.

I don’t know if it’s because I don’t like feeling like a burden, I don’t like feeling helpless, or if I’m just plain awkward. I think it’s a bit of all those reasons. My head feels heavy on my body. 将心比心, Why would I put that weight on anybody else?

Can a Guy and a Girl really just be friends?

My Tutor brought this up during critical writing class today. I don’t think he meant to spend so much time on that topic, but to be frank, he should have known better. Bringing up gender issues in a class of 100% outspoken English Super Arts Class type girls?

You don’t bring up gender issues, equality issues, or feminist issues unless you didn’t plan your lesson and suddenly have a half hour to spare.

I’m not about to launch into that debate here. It will just end up becoming a list of reasons to support my stand and I have better things to do than that.

I will give you my stand though. And that is Hell Yes. Of course they can. The simple reason being we don’t feel attracted to every guy, not every guy feels attracted to us, and time doesn’t ALWAYS form a connection. There are people who just do not click that way. So while I agree that feelings can develop between friends of the opposite gender, they can most certainly be just friends, and it is ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

I am spazzing because they did it- And she didn’t come off as a two-timing fickle minded slut😲

I am spazzing about the genius way episode 11 of Scarlet Heart Ryeo broke down the romance I was rooting for and pushed Hae Su to start a new romance with Wang So. And the amazing things here are that I can’t even be mad at Wang Wook, I don’t see Hae Su’s quick switch to Wang So as an act of sluttiness at ALL, I believe the budding romance between Wang So and Hae Su, and I still like all 3 characters. Oh My God. I am so mindblown by the writing for this episode.

What made this turning point so convincing, was the fact that Wook couldn’t give up on family, even if his little sister is an overly ambitious manipulative bitch. Exposing her as the culprit of the Crown Prince’s assassination would lead to not only her execution by torture, but also his entire family’s banishment.The thing about Wang Wook is he is such a careful, consistent character that when he makes a decision, we believe that he will stick to it. That conviction, plus the execution of the scene where he throws a hairpin through the neck of the witness? That sealed the deal. And made Wook so much more layered as a character. The problem with him is that he doesn’t look back. And the moment someone like that starts wanting great things he’s not destined for, he is basically cut out to lose everything.

Many of my friends judge me for reading Dramabeans’s Recaps. It’s ok. I judge myself too. But I actually really like reading it, even after I’ve watched the episode, because Javabeans brings up things in extreme detail and they really critique the heck out of each and every drama. She also mentions things that she wished were different, from big things like casting, and acting, to the soundtrack, the make up and costumes, and the arrangement of the plot points. And usually I agree with her on varying degrees. It’s like this lady puts my thoughts into words.

Plus, when I watch sageuks (Period Dramas) she always has a lot of information to share about the story’s correlation to history. It helps me better understand and #LitStudentTendencies , analyze the story.

As expected, the rest of the episodes after the 11th have been underwhelming. They just got lucky but who cares when you produce an emotionally fulfilling episode like that? I may not be forgiving when it comes to the details of the plot, but I find it easy to appreciate and just emerse myself in parts of the story I’m happy with:) Like the writing of Mark Blackthorn from the Cassandra Clare Dark Artifices book I find otherwise entirely unredeeming, and Gong Tae Gwang from Who Are You: School 2015. Their stories and their characterizations just make sense without being cliches. When can we have female characters being written as well as that?

More than enough is a lot.

I just had this sudden thought that I have a lot. This thought didn’t root from looking at videos of poverty, or at suffering animals on the news. It just occurred to me. I do have a lot because I have things I’m afraid of losing.

And all the things I have are a luxury to those who have nothing. Our world is no longer a general distribution of clear cut lines i.e poor or rich, smart or dumb, pretty or ugly. Our people have realized that every step up gives you an edge. Every extra bit of cash makes the difference between being able to pay rent, and not being able to. When you study just a bit more, you have information that differentiates you from the other scripts full of mindless regurgitation. That just might push you up a grade. We have things like make up to blur the lines between being pretty and not.

Our world, panning through the camera lens, is zoomed in. Every step counts. Details count now. And I have excess.