Silence = Consent?

The day before yesterday my sister came to squeeze on the bed where my Mum and I were lying down on, watching Scarlet Heart: Ryeo. She flopped her muscled dancer thighs over my waist in some sort of very aggressive Koala hug.

I hug my siblings quite often. But this was just a ridiculous invasion of personal space. I asked her if she could get off or if she’d appreciate my hugs more next time if I made her. And when she just ignored me and held on tighter, I said “Silence means consent then,” and squeezed the back of her very tight calf. Oh my Goodness, she launched into this huge muscle spasm and rolled off the bed. Her muscles were too tight from dance practice.

When she emerged from the floor (She was too lazy to get up for a while), she launched into this debate about how “Silence means consent” is an argument used by Rapists, who violate unconscious women and pretended (Ok maybe pretend is a poor choice of verb for this, because my sister has this miraculous ability to convince herself that she is always right. So she technically is acting on genuine belief) to be scandalized by my use of the phrase. I reminded her that if this had anything to do with an attempt to violate one’s modesty, then I would have be the victim. And then I told her to stop talking because the commercial break was over. She left the room.

That got me thinking though. “Silence means consent” says so much about the human race as a species. Are we the only species with the discipline to ask permission for anything? No. The sense to ask for permission is something even Pixie has. Yes, we all start off being trained like dogs in our various approaches to life, especially towards the concept of choice. But asking for permission is a human concept. The idea of having to submit to a higher power, to receive instructions on what or what not to do.

It’s a concept our gentle giraffes and aggressive bears don’t have the finesse to navigate. The idea that to maintain our position as victor and reigning leader of the circle of life, we have to have an elevated level of awareness and humility.”Silence means consent”? That, to me, is a virtual realization of the many steps back we’ve taken as a kind. Trivializing the power of speech, wrenching choices from other people. A step against Democracy. A step against equality. We’re going back to being barbarians. Taking all that we want.

“Silence means consent” – A most accurate demonstration of a fatal human flaw. The sudden urge to go against the flow and reject the concept of authority we created for ourselves. Hubris. The excessive ego that makes us think ourselves worthy of pressing our opinions upon other people, or, in my sister’s case, this choice to lose awareness for a pretty fantasy of an idealized scenario. The idea that the person you are conversing with will not fight back against what you say- “Silence means consent” is a delusion for the conceited.

On a lighter note, my SPH senior got himself a girlfriend just with this bit of arrogance. I suppose he is a rather charming guy, so maybe thats why it worked for him, but boys, don’t try this at home. He confessed to a girl via text and following her reply of ‘……’ he replied “Oh, silence means consent.” And they got together. Cue the awkward applause.

Not that this move was right or wrong, but the general thought behind it was a sense of slight over-confidence that enabled him to make the move he did. And bits of flaws like these are not only easy to overlook, but actually rather attractive. The same way Angelina Jolie’s oversized lips make her look sexier, the way sausages taste better just a bit burnt, and eggs on Eggs Benedict dishes are always slightly undercooked. People like things that are not too perfect, slightly off. Maybe because they seem more real and attainable that way?

Then again, why is there ever silence in the first place. Unless we are mutes, silence should never be excusable. If you are being threatened, then you are making a conscious choice to keep your mouth shut, because the alternative is just so undesirable. So that decision in itself is a choice made, is a voice heard. In any other situation, if we don’t have the guts to speak up, we are giving up our right to have our choices shape a world better to us. We are giving up the right to complain about whatever shit the world throws at us because we are too passive to make our voices heard. If no one dared to speak up, we would have been stuck in the cavemen era. I can’t live in a world like that. Can you?

#EverGreen

I have never liked anyone before. #Evergreen.

I don’t know how liking someone else feels like. But I know I have not experienced it before. As a girl, when I get closer to a guy, I think I do consider what it would be like dating the guy, just like any other person would. And despite all the stirring and shipping that occurs with friendships between a guy and a girl, what makes me very very sure that I’ve never liked anyone before, is the fact that when they tell me they like someone else, all my doubts about my feelings get thrown out of the window because all I feel for them is true blue happiness. The thought that a nice guy I like enough to choose to have as a friend in my life might have a shot at true love? That just makes me a little less cynical. And a lot more optimistic.

I wonder what it feels like to be jealous, or to feel rejected? And I know I am capable of jealousy because my sister and I fight over my parents’ affections all the time. But I think it’s different, somehow, when the other person isn’t obliged to be nice to you the way your parents are.

I watch Korean dramas and people do crazy things after breakups and rejections like attempt suicide or skip work to stay at home and mope… Given, Korean dramas are such a vague and inaccurate representation of life. But my main wonder here: Does one person’s opinion really have the power to change someone’s perception of self-worth so drastically?

A good friend once told me it would be nice to see me have someone to take care of me. I appreciate the thought but honestly, it seems like too much work.😂 How hard would I have to work to be worthy of someone who would choose to stick by me forever? Forever is a very very long time.

New Nails, Fresh Start

I bought myself some Sally Hansen Nail Polish today. They were on sale and I’m just very sick of cheap nail polish (Ahem Faceshop Ahem) that chips and clumps doesn’t dry and can’t be cleanly removed with polish remover.

The colour I have on my nails is a shocking dark purple. I never thought I would go for something like this- I’ve always been for the au naturel look. So I assumed I would go for nudes and whites and pastel shades like blush and lilac. Nope. I went for a black-ish purple that makes it look like I’ve been poisoned.

And I like it:)

Besides, 15 years of school uniforms? I’ve lived so many years with people telling me how to look and dress and I did  not get myself into Uni for that. So I’m going to roll out of bed and go to lecture in a crop top and sweat pants. I’m going to do my nails and wear a maxi skirt so I can run off to see grandma at a family gathering after class. I’m going to throw on a $10 bodycon and not comb my hair and still look overdressed for a whole day of running around. Who cares? The truth is no one in Uni has a microscopic enough view to care or even b*tch about me and you. And the truth is, I have done all of the above faux pas, so if you want to judge, imagine me opening my arms out wide to receive your criticism.

I don’t deal well with change. I don’t deal well with judgement. But I think confidence comes with constantly coping with being uncomfortable with yourself. I have purple nails and I’m probably going to look like the wicked witch of the west threw up on Glinda the Good tmr. And that’s ok:)

Weak Wang Wook (Sighs)

Two weeks ago, Wang Wook was my favourite character on Scarlet Heart:Ryeo and I had been wondering how the show was going to twist it such that she ends up with Wang So instead. Today I kinda got my answer. The main point would be because Wang Wook is weak.

My Mum only took a few scenes to figure out how they were going to move Hae Su’s affections from the 8th Prince to the 4th without making her look like a 2-timing, fickle minded slut. “He can’t protect his girl. I don’t like this guy.”

And I have to admit, this was a major turnoff for me because in all aspects I felt like he was a nice, faithful guy a girl could settle down with, and someone who would make a good Father, whether in Goryeo or modern times. But I guess when you’re a Prince, a minimum amount of ambition is neccessary to safeguard what you have and you can’t always be on the defence, because you’d just end up not being able to protect anything. Not a weak person. But a weak prince. And I do feel bad for him because had this been in modern times, had he not been a Prince, he would probably have been enough. As safe as someone like Wang Wook would make any girl feel on a daily basis, when push comes the shove, there’s no sense of security there.

I can’t believe I’m quoting Zhi Gang. But he once said that he doesn’t understand how girls can settle for guys who can’t take care of them. “A man should be, needs to be able to protect his girlfriend.” I didn’t really consider this until now but yes, I realized. Despite my Father’s many flaws, he does protect my Mum. And with my aunts and Uncles, that seems to be the same.

I’m not gonna go into the debate of how girls “don’t need no man” (Credits: Drunk Alicia) to make themselves feel safe. But the truth is we all want someone to lean back on, in different ways. And sometimes even more so with strong girls as well as the weak.
Recently I was chatting with my friend about how she is and how I would be in a relationship. I mentioned that I constantly hold back and try to be as un-clingy as I can consciously manage. And I asked if she thinks I would ever allow myself to be clingy with my other half. “I think you could be, once you meet a guy you feel safe enough with.” Because I really like Wang Wook, I sort of downplayed in my mind the fact that he’s quite useless. But when I approach things from this perspective, I can see how big a problem this could potentially be in their relationship. A weak guy can’t break down your walls.

No matter how thin those walls are.

I had a Dream: Running Man Murder

I’m not even kidding. This is the weirdest dream I have ever had and I swear someone should make a show or a movie about this.

Oh wait, they  already have. It’s a mixture of Running Man and I can Hear Your Voice. 😓

Ok so the dream started off the usual Running Man way -introducing all the guest stars. I swear I don’t follow Running Man. I’ve watched about 20 out of the 300 plus episodes aired so far so I am hardly considered a fan. But I do watch Korean dramas and I do have a few actors I like. And they were all freaking there.

Lee Jong Suk (W-Two Worlds, I can Hear Your voice), Kang Ha Neul (Scarlet Heart-Ryeo), Kim So Hyun (Who Are you- School2015) , Lee Bo Young (I can Hear Your Voice), there were definitely more but I don’t remember all of them.

So basically there was some random hugging and silly games that I don’t remember clearly in this… sort of conference room setting? Then the next scene just cut to all the guest stars on the show discussing about how someone was killed during the game. And I never find out who.

And oh my God I sound like a mad woman but THAT WAS JUST THE FIRST CHICKEN FLYING ROUND OF THIS INCREDIBLE, NONSENSICAL NIGHTMARE.

The next scene just cut to the next murder. In the middle of the 2nd floor of the North Spine, where the NTU CCA carnival was held. I remember a man’s bloody body laid on the ground, flat, so I couldn’t see his face. The murderer had brown curly hair and he looked like one of those random calefare actors for those Korean mystery/ crime solving dramas. You know the kind of characters only featured for maybe 1 or 2 episodes regarding the crime? The kind with their own sob-stories leading to their insanity and psychopathic tendencies. YA. That kind of guy. Round face, mildly reddish brown curls, small Korean eyes, not very tall.

I wasn’t the only person there but somehow I was the only person who saw him and the dead man. And dream-me, being the desperate damsel in distress I am, screamed (Idiotically) and dropped to my knees in shock. (The kind of Japanese schoolgirl kneeling with the thighs together and the calves apart on the sides) The murderer looked up, straight at me. And he ran away.

HE EFFING RAN AWAY. AND NOBODY SAW HIM BUT ME.

Cut to: The thought being planted in my head that he’s going to kill the only witness(Seriously, how even?) and none of the cops are being ANY help at all. Seriously it was like I was in Code Of Law- A cop literally said (with all the intended drama of delivering a line)  “But how did this happen?”

And because we are in a Korean Drama, people I don’t give two shits about started keeping away from me because I was being hunted and the people I care about I started to keep away from. Because all Korean Dramas need a nobly idiotic, self-sacrificing victim.

Later that night I started jumping on my parents’ bed (They were lying on it watching TV😴) insisting that my Dad pick me up after school. (I really almost NEVER ask my parents to drive me anywhere in real life unless my Dad is picking my Mum up from work, because her company is located near my school. In fact, this is very characteristic of my sister so its an understatement to say I want to slap dream-me for acting like a brat.) My Dad just non-commitally said ok, and I started throwing a tantrum, saying that he always picks me up an hour late (Which is true, he does, and sometimes he even forgets to pick me up) and that in this scenario I could die if he was late. My Dad just said “Okok sure. Can you move to the side? You’re blocking the TV.”

My real parents would have just told me to skip school. I mean they did when there was haze. So I think me being hunted is a valid enough reason.

Then the next day, Dad picked me up at the HSS building and I was so paranoid I started hallucinating the murderer standing in front of the car with a gun. Damn. That guy is so short. I put my head down and covered my ears until we were out of NTU.

When I finally sat up, my phone rang. And it wasn’t even my real bloody ringtone but I got a Facebook Message from Jem. And this makes a bit of sense because Jem is safe in NS, and he hasn’t read the news so I didn’t bother to keep a distance and he didn’t know he should have. So the convo we had was really mundane and I talked a bit about how stressful Uni is and at one point he said something odd.

“Ya. Thank God I didn’t go to PJC.”

And THAT ended it. The thought that 1st of all,Jem never considered PJC? 2, I didn’t attend PJC and 3, PJC cut-off was higher than YJC’s.” At that point, the dream world started disintegrating. And there was the freefall moment.

I’m not kidding. I was in a car, on the highway, and suddenly- Freefall.⤵

Of all the times I’ve lucid dreamed, THIS ridiculous nightmare was not one of those times I was aware I was dreaming. Ha. Haha. Of all the ridiculous things that happened during the dream that should have woken me up, I WOKE UP AT THAT.

The clock said 3.44am. I’m not afraid about many things, but my heart actually felt frozen for a while and I sat still stoning for a moment before moving myself to bed. Like when someone throws a glass down on the floor and suddenly time stops and the glass is suspended in mid-air? My chest felt suspended in mid-air. I couldn’t exhale properly, couldn’t inhale fully. I’m usually rather quiet when it comes to fear. Which is strange because I handle fear very badly-especially thoughts about my GPA.

One thing about this dream- unsettling as it is, it’s completely methaphorical  of how I just let everything in my life accumulate and it kind of does force me to confront my problems. Uni is stressful and lonely. I can’t keep up with accountancy and I don’t know if I’m doing well for my Core modules either because I decide my essay topic and my response. No one is sure if they’re going down the right path and everyone is doing a different question. Old Friendships are harder to maintain now. With new Uni friendships, somehow I have to keep up appearances. It’s like sec sch all over again. Not going to cell is uncomfortable. Going to cell feels awkward. And I don’t even care if a random guy stalking my blog sees this- I haven’t had my period since before Orientation started and I constantly feel so PMS frustrated. It’s been almost 3 months. If I wasn’t a virgin, I would think I was pregnant.

I think I’m gonna buy a pair of running shoes. And everyone who reads this blog will doubt this but I seriously think I’m gonna start running. Because there’s too much negative energy here to let out without moving. And as much as I hate running, if its between that and talking and crying to people, my budget is probably 70bucks.

“ARE YOU PLANNING ON HAVING KIDS?”

On our way down to the train from lunch last Saturday, Sze Liang was standing next to me on the escalator and he suddenly said out loud “Are you planning on having kids.”

I mean we talk about life and our futures a lot as a cell, so that’s a valid question. But still, it was such a random moment I flashed him my WTS face.😞

And when the realization hit him that I was giving him a weird look (In his defence there is like a 24cm height difference between us so he took a while to catch my judgement in his peripheral vision) he was like “Oh no, I was just reading the banner over there.”

And there was a banner promoting childbirth on the ceiling where we were standing😂😂😂 “ARE YOU PLANNING ON HAVING KIDS?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

So a very chill conversation between the two of us started from there, and I told him I think all of our cellbros will want to have kids. This naturally grew to involve Jem and another cellmate, who started arguing against having kids, saying they’re very irritating and a burden, for instance, if you wanna go mission trips.

I know Jem’s always wanted a family. He’s always been very pro-fam. But I did not expect him to go bat-shit agitated and launch into this aggressive pro-child-birth debate.

“Of course it’s troublesome! You are raising a kid eh. If you’re too scared and unwilling to put in the work, how are you supposed to sow the seeds of your labour? You look at Jia Jun, and how much he helps his parents now? You work hard, raise your kids for what, 20 years? They can help you for how long? 40 eh! How can you not have kids- That’s like the whole purpose of life, it’s nature at it’s best eh. You raise your kids to serve God ah, mission trip this kind of thing very small matter, your parents can take care of them for a week right?”

“Your parents work so hard to take care of you already you still wanna trouble them. Kids will be very mafan and what if they are rabak and don’t want to go Church how?”

“Oh rabak uh, of course you’re afraid of your kids being rabak uh, like you.”

Very early on, Sze Liang and I burst out laughing. At this point, I walked away. He followed. Eventually they calmed down and followed too. I have never seen Jem so no chill😂.

This is a really random thought, but I once told Miss Ni that I would probably stay single forever. She just went “No. You want kids too badly.”

Not that I dislike being single. But I think there will probably come a time where the people around us get married and we worry about never finding what they have. It’s odd. I don’t look at the couples around me and long for what they have. Ming En and Shi Ming, Benjamin and Adela, Hong Wei and Ann Chee, Reuben and Mong Han and Stanley and Daryl and their girlfriends (I just realized my previous phrasing made it look like they’re a gay couple.LGBTA FTW, but I don’t know any gay couples.)… I’m just really very happy for my friends, and very willing to work through their problems with them. To listen when they need to rant about their boyfriends and (if they don’t slap me) occasionally, to speak up for their poor boyfriends when I find their actions reasonable. I think I’ve already registered that every relationship dynamic is different, so I never hope for what another person has. Envy, jealousy… I’m not immune to those feelings. But the drama that comes with it just isn’t my thing.

What really struck me was the idea of settling for someone because of reproduction and starting a family. Although this is functional, (and to some extent, admirable)  it’s also depressing. And I think while those are fair considerations, I need a greater push than that to date someone, much less fall for or spend a lifetime with him.

On a sidenote, I don’t think the fact that I announced the probable longevity of my singlehood while feeding baby Colin was a very convincing sight. Because Miss Ni’s next line was “Xin Tong is so patient, she’s ready to be a Mum.”

I have a hard time reconciling the fact that it’s possible someone I let hold me everyday in my life for say, a year, isn’t going to be in my life, or perhaps isn’t even going to remember my name 10 years from now. This goes back to what Sze Liang and I both agreed on with that day. As we grow older, there becomes greater need to distance ourselves from people because we get emotionally attached easily. So the best way to protect ourselves from getting hurt is to take the element of surprise out of the fact that people leave. And by that logic, if your door is always locked, people can’t enter, can’t walk all over you, can’t exit.

Not the smartest way. But I’d rather wait half a dozen lifetimes for the right person than patch up with the same guy half a dozen times in one life. And until then, I don’t want to feel something missing in my life just because somebody isn’t there.

How much concealer do I need?

Security comes from within. I know that. I don’t think I’ve ever cared about the way I look. I grew up quite a tomboy with 12 male cousins who didn’t care about the way they look and I learned quite early on that I have no plans to climb the social ladder so I should just be comfortable with myself.

And I think in JC I was just too busy to think about things like that. Just before we quit Ikea, Ming En and I headed to Pacamara for their new amazeballs menu (Which apparently, changes monthly😧) and I remembered looking at the menu and saying “Everything is so fattening.”

To which she responded, “When since have you cared?”  And that’s really true. I don’t think I’ve ever cared until now.

I used to say that “The Little Mermaid” was a story about nothing but encourage young girls to go for plastic surgery. I used to be so anti-make up. But I just bought mascara and gel eyeliner yesterday. And I’ve already planned what I’m gonna wear tomorrow for school.

Uni does make one feel image conscious. Even though most HSS students aren’t really dressing up. I feel more secure to have my brows done and foundation on. I’m not sure why.