We Facepalm All Day, Everyday

I didn’t think I was gonna go for True Grace’s 30th Anniversary, but little pushes here and there really compelled me to. Anyways, I’m glad I did because I do miss the Friendly Peeps and the rest of Peter quite a bit.

It’s a funny story. I actually asked God whether or not I should go. Jem was in field camp, and he’s not exactly punctual with his replies. So I decided, if Jem replies while he is in NS uniform- which would mean fresh out of field camp- I’ll go. Ming En’s pastor once said to always ask God for the impossible if you want an answer. But when Jem replied me in bunk…

“Yeah. I’m in NS Uni… actually, I’m half naked uh.”

I swear, Jesus. Is this your way of giving me an open-ended answer? Ha. Not funny.

I went in the end, and despite all my insecurities (Mostly rooting from the fact that my sister kept saying that I look like ‘a Minor trying to get into a club’) everything just fell into place. A cellgroup is a cellgroup. But I think having a XiaoJia is a totally different feeling. I don’t know if it’s the name that is the constant reminder that we need to be a tight-knit family, but we take care of each other. Always. Zhi Gang sat in the empty seat next to me and I never had to get up for food because he was so sweet and took all my food for me. But he won’t be reading this so 谢他也没有用.

My cell mentor is 29 and single pringle😏. He’s fun, he’s manly, he’s a gentleman and as much as he claims to dislike kids, he’s really good with them. He’s 2nd from the left. Enough said👍

Jokes aside, I thought it would be an awkward quiet dinner, but I should have known. A table of 8 guys? Not a chance. They were their usual fun selves, tearing at the noodle basket and finishing it within 3 seconds from when they found out it was edible. Tong Xin trying to be a DOTS bodyguard(God Knows what he was trying to protect) and the boys in all their Kingsmen poses. I judge my Cell, I really do. But these boys really did look dapper in their suits. So I guess they deserved their Kingsmen moment. #MannersMakethMan

I laughed a lot. Smiled a lot. And I had fun. Having said that, familarity is stifling my growth. A lot of things have dotted across my life the last month and while I took a month to figure out that I have been over reacting about it emotionally, I know those thoughts are not baseless. I think what I have reasons and the right to think and if anyone claims otherwise I can defend that. It’s a fine line to many people but to me, this is wide and clear.

The truth is that all I did was sit there, and drama came looking. I know I shouldn’t psychoanalyze my friendships and my friends. It’s just 1st instinct. And it’s scary, in retrospect to think of what I did for my friendships to end up this way and how many problems there were invisible to my eyes. I thought I knew them well. So why is there the need to distance myself now?
I’m not being paranoid. I’m just being very pessimistically honest with myself. I almost always find comfort in the truth though it takes a lot of time and a lot of convincing to sink (Because… Stubborn) so I’m hoping this time will be the same.

I want to change the way I interact with people. I said I wanted my slightly more extroverted side back. It is kind of ironic to try and acheive that by being alone. But I want my confidence to root from myself. What people say should give me a sense of security but that’s it. It shouldn’t be swaying me back and forth.

Plus, I didn’t expect this, but Uni is really starting to get to me. I am so lost in terms of what is tested, what essays I should be writing, which direction I ought to go with it. Whether or not I should S/U freaking accountancy.😒 Stress brings out the worse in me. Accountancy is the next most stressful thing after Econs. Their lectures get uploaded and cleared every week. Ineffective learning at its best. Wish me luck.

Rock Lee: Hard Work can beat talent anyday

Yes, I was a Naruto fan. This was from the first few episodes, Sasuke versus Rock lee and while I found Rock Lee frustrating and annoying he was always on all accounts, honourable.

I haven’t tried out enough sports to say I suck at all sports. But I suck at many sports.

Badminton is one of the many:) Ask anyone who’s seen me in PE, really.

I think this just became my favourite sport to watch for the Olympics. It’s not hard to understand, not difficult to follow the camera and it really is exciting. How exciting? I was throwing my parents’ pillows all around their bed so there’s an image for you.

I’ve been watching Lin Dan since I was 11. And every year he just gets more and more disappointing. It’s one thing to witness an unstable victory. It’s one thing to always have unstable victories, I mean, who cares how unstable it was as long as you win, right? It’s another thing altogether to be disrespectful of your opponent, arrogant, and to heck care the fact that you are representing your freaking country. Even if it was just the qualifying rounds, I just find it unacceptable to run out and change your broken racquet and come back to face your opponent. Just that action or that thought alone shows a lack of upbringing. Can you imagine what kind of impact that would have on your opponent’s morale if you had succeeded in saving that point? I don’t know, maybe its just my very low level of tolerance for egoistic male species. I threw my Dad’s pillow against the toilet door.

And to be frank, I really think that he threw the semi finals match, to give Lee Chong Wei a chance at the Gold Medal. So my question here is- what right does he have? In terms of sportsmanship, this was disrespectful and downright rude of him to belittle the victory that so many people worked so hard for. The exchanging of shirts and the bromance was sweet and all, but attitude-wise, I expected more from an Olympian, I expected more from a Champion, I expect China’s citizens to start raging at that 33 year old man-child.

Having said that, I really am happy that Lee Chong Wei got a chance at a Gold medal match without Lin Dan, because honestly, he deserves a better opponent to lose to. But while watching the finals match, it was obvious that he couldn’t handle the pressure and panicked quite a bit. Also, it’s apparent that he’s not as young as he used to be, in terms of his reflexes as well as repeatedly asking to check footage for shuttles that were definitely out, no doubt so that he could take waterbreaks. I sympathize with that because I know what it’s like to have a pessimistic mindset and cave in to pressure. It’s horrible. And it must be a million times so for him. Especially when he’s faced up against Chen Long who just radiates positive energy and optimism and just kept improving with every point made. The Newspaper headlines this morning say “Lee Chong Wei ‘wins’ again”. Win in Chinese being ‘Ying’ and silver in Chinese being ‘Yin’, it actually means that “LCW comes 2nd once again”. What a cruel pun. What a cruel fate.

I think it was Tong Xin I heard this from: “The saddest positions an athlete can be in is 4th place and 2nd.” And I actually agree. I look at all the Olympians and I can’t imagine how so many of them immerse themselves in their sports knowing they’ll never even come close to a medal but spending their youth on the pursuit of one anyway. I find the spirit of athletes admirable. And I’ll always have respect for LCW as a true athlete who kept trying. Every year part of me roots him forward, despite my parents being such avid fans of China. Lin Dan is just so infuriating to watch that I stopped rooting for him quite early on😒 And this year at Rio, I can’t be more done with him. Thanks Lin Dan, 11 year old fangirls are abandoning you because your attitude isn’t worth my heart attack.
Watching the finals, Chen Long against LCW, I finally understand why Daryl Tan shouts “YES GOAL!” While watching soccer. I was spazzing and I really don’t spaz that often about people. But Chen Long was ADORABLE. He looked like a freaking kid smiling both when he scored and when he didn’t and it was so amusing watching his coaches look so surprised at how well he performed. I think that match was a confidence booster that brought out a different level of potential in Chen Long and his optimistic attitude really edged him forward. I don’t think any of his coaches expected to be depending on him for China’s Gold medal. All hopes were on Lin Dan, who kept insisting everything was fine, and then proceeded to decimate his career.

I am really very happy that Chen Long won, because he is a try guy. He didn’t seem like a threat at all going into the Olympics, with just a Bronze medal from London. But he really proved himself to be an athlete that raises his standard to match every opponent’s prowess as he played directly to his strengths. He knows he has a strong defence backhand so he focused on catching every shot and really keeping his eyes on the shuttlecock. He knows he can’t triumph LCW on experience and technique so he doesn’t play shuttle-tipping with him, and always aimed to get the shuttlecock away from the net. (*Don’t ask me how I noticed, I just did) He had a game plan going in and he stuck to it.

I also really like how humble and well- mannered a person he is. He was so nice when he was asking for and thanking the Volunteers helping to mop sweat off the court. The way he hugged his coaches so gratefully and the way he collapsed on the court after his victory in tears of joy. He really gave his all at every game. I have never seen a championship match being played in just 2 rounds. And I think that is really proof that he never let himself relax but always kept his cool when he slipped up. His reaction upon winning- bursting into tears and crying like a child (SO endearing)- showed how much he wanted it. And his performance during the game was definitely deserving of the number 1 title. It’s easy to see if someone puts in passion into their work. This guy went for every point, and never acted like Lin Dan did. (*Waving to his coaches that there’s no problem when he lost a point? UGH.). He was thankful. And that’s refreshing.

Another player that I really enjoyed watching was Bronze Medalist Viktor Axelsen. He speaks Mandarin better than quite a few Singaporeans I know, and he picked it up because he thought it would open up more opportunities and support for him in Asia. This boy is 22. I really like his ambition and his plans moving forward. They say the world of Badminton is going to be his Kingdom soon, because Chen Long will be 31 by the Tokyo Olympics. And if LCW and Lin Dan have showed anyth, an athlete’s years are like dog’s years. 30 is way off prime. I have no doubt though that China will have new successors coming in, but if Axelsen keeps up his game, I’ll be fine with him winning too.

I don’t think Axelsen expected a Bronze. Especially since he was up against Lin Dan. (I have no words for this). But I’m really happy for him. He played well and he tried his best, despite admitting to being intimidated by the fact that he was up against a 2-time Champion. He also demonstrated some really WOW moves like that under-crotch catch that saved him a point against Chen Long during the semi-finals. That moment was epic. They replayed it like 3 times.

I really like his reaction to winning Bronze. It reminds me that as much as his game face deterred people from remembering this, fact is, he’s only 22. And to go up against his idol and win? That’s gotta feel amazing. And I do feel that he showed an urge to learn, because he definitely didn’t expect himself to win against Lin Dan. But he tried his best, he was alert and focused and nimble. And that is why Chen Long and Axelsen are my favourite players going forward from the Rio Olympics. Humility is the sexiest thing anyone can have. The drive and passion to learn and improve- that is what makes a true athlete and Sportsman.

It really makes me feel less cynical about life to think that dreams do come true with hard work . It makes me want to try harder in and at my life. I’ve never idolized anyone before, but these are 2 role models that I really want to learn from. And I think I will hold that stand even when they age and stop winning. I really believe in the way they carry themselves.


I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to see grown men cry in public. :’)

Grow, Grow Little Sunflower Grow.

The Universe is really confusing to me. I used to think that I was anti-drama, and that simple, easy, peaceful was the way to go, was what I wanted. And now I’ve realized, people who appear anti-drama on the outside are usually the ones who over-think things the most. In my earlier post, I said that Love is like energy, it can’t be dissipated and has to exist in one form or another. Seems like drama is the same.

I talked to Hong Wei yesterday and he said that he finds it more tiring to make friends as we get older. It becomes more of a chore to meet new people. And I agree. I think somewhere between the end of JC and start of working I just lost a huge chunk of personality. The past few months have been a great change, and I still feel this… 

‘Inertia’ would be an understatement. Extrovert to introvert is no joke. I feel schizophrenic.
So many things that I relied on to fall back into and remind myself of who I am- I didn’t realize that they were variables. But I should have known-people are always ever changing. Even those who always seem to stay the same. And seeing how easily affected I am by the change around me, I think I depend on people too much. As much as I insist on doing things I believe I can do, I depend on people to smile, to learn, to push me. 

I want my slightly more extroverted self back. And I want to keep the confidence I have now and become more independent. I know this sounds like it’s not gonna work but I think I have to do this by being alone and doing more things alone. I really think I can find it in myself to do that if I just get myself the space I need.

I feel like I am standing on a Time Paradox

Do you ever feel like everything around you is moving in slow motion and you’ve already predicted what is going to happen soon enough, but it’s so bad that even the instinctive “I told you so” never crosses your mind?

It’s like having an aerial view of the North South Line MRT path and watching the trains toward Jurong East and Marina Bay hurtling towards each other on the same track. You have a front row seat, but no one can hear you scream.

Have you ever tried to trace a problem to its roots and reasons when you’re looking at it in retrospect, and wonder to yourself how you missed every one of those hints along the way? Have you ever wondered if you got yourself into that situation because of everything you did wrong?

A goes back in time to fix an awkward situation with B. That is neccessary because if A had not treated B that way, B would not have gotten closer to A, and A and B would not find themselves in this awkward situation. But if A had not treated B this way, A and B would not have gotten closer, and A would not have needed to travel back in time to fix anything…

Call them what you want -Fences, walls, boundaries… I call them lines. I thought I had a firm hand when it came to drawing lines. Now it seems they were only visible to my eyes. And now I am doubting every line I have ever drawn, running my black ink marker over those lines again and again and again.

The shift between past and future is sudden. Is gradual. Is automatic. Is swift. When I was younger, I used to play this game called ‘Crocodile’ with my cousins at the neighbourhood playground. Basically they’d choose a colour for the catcher and he or she would have to catch as many of the other players as possible without touching the chosen colour. We usually chose black, because most of the time, the steps and platforms for building playgorund structures had black pieces as bases. Now I sometimes feel like I’m playing this mass Crocodile game and the ground I am standing on is giving way because I overstepped.

Readings at 1am + Why did I procrastinate + Thank God lecture is at 2.30pm

Sang Nila Utama versus Raffles – who is the founder of Singapore?

Why is there a statue of Raffles and not Sang nila Utama?”

Madam Wani, I asked you that question in primary three social studies. I was 9 years old back then and I knew you were avoiding my question with a pack of nonsense and that I had struck a nerve when you said I distracted you from teaching your precious class.

So guess what, my Uni Professor is bringing it up and discussing it with a lecture of like 300 students so- excuse me? What isn’t an important question again? 

It’s madness at 1am. Procrastination gets you nowhere, kids.

At least by 4.30pm tomorrow, one of my strange childhood questions will have some semblance of an answer.

I just need to stop wallowing in self -pity and doubt

I wonder a lot if I am not enough. I wonder a lot if I am too much.

I’m sorry I ever made you feel like they weren’t enough. I honestly meant it as a joke and I promise I wasn’t trying to poke at your self worth. I apologize.

Now I wonder if so many other people have felt this frustration towards me but never told me. Does anyone think my laugh is annoying? Does anyone think I am stand-offishly rude when I burn them? Does anyone think my skirt is too short, to the point of indecency? Is anyone stareing at my thighs or thinking to themselves, “That girl is quite fat.”?  Does anyone get irritated by my long (and Long-winded) psychoanalytical Whatsapp Messages? Is anyone annoyed because I made their pokemon run away?

I feel this way because I know a lot of people around me sugarcoat, or keep their opinions to themselves. A lot of people say again and again that we are close and maybe we are, but they still can’t bear to tell me the cold hard truth. And I am perfectly aware that these insecurities of mine are my issues to deal with, but I think I just need a break, no matter how much I love them.

Dear readers, let me introduce you to one of my closer friends, Ming En, who is very often the only 1 out of like 5 people who read this blog or even know that I have a blog so Hi, En:) The thing about Ming En is she is always honest. Like no -filter straight up honest. When I couldn’t see the truth, I could count on her to point it out, sometimes (very often) with a classic eye-roll and a “What is this girl doing?” look.

I am very strange. So I get that look a lot.

From the start, I asked for the truth and so she always gives it. When I rant about something and I just want someone on my side, she doesn’t hesitate to point out any double standards, or hypocrisy in my situation that I can’t see. “You kinda asked for it, though.”  “You could have just told him straight?” “You didn’t have your Macro policies down at that point of the year either.”  “I have to see you again this week? I’m seeing you too much, I’m so sick of it being just the two of us.”

And that is why she is stuck with me for life (Or at least the rest of Uni and until she gets married probably)- because I need someone to tell me the truth when not many people can or do. She’s not the most soft hearted person, or the sweetest or the least violent (😲) but I feel the safest with her because she is the most real person I know. And everytime she takes my ego down, I learn to build it back up myself, and that is what makes me a stronger person. I have been a WRECK before this girl. She has seen me after I cried for 2 days straight, she has seen me black out after a bad exam, and she has seen me lose consciousness while donating blood. I mean, seriously? She is this close👌 to seeing me drop dead.

Before I came to SR, I chose to toughen myself up and open myself up entirely at the same time. I mean it’s clear that I went too far opening myself up (because hey, I’m obviously nuts) and I even got a bit more apathetic for quite a while. But being friends with Ming En taught me to fight for myself, prioritize myself and take a stand- something I’ve been told to do many times before- and have a presence. And I feel good enough about where I stand now. Thanks, En:)

I have another friend, Jeremy, whom I am betting $5 right now, does not read my blog, does not know I have a blog and will never see this post, and so I will never have to give that $5 note to. Again, one of my closest friends. He is the nicest guy I know (Ahem, ladies he’s single*) and the best friend a person could have but he can’t deliver bad news. And that has shaped our friendship dynamic from the very beginning.

I am comfortable around Jem. But I have never really cried in front of Jem. He has never seen me angry, never seen me fight for anything, to be frank. And while our friendship has progressed to a point that he will bring up the actions I’ve made that he doesn’t approve of, I can never be sure of the gravity of the situation, or how much he minds what I do. And I don’t think this was intentional but even when I was going through a tough time during a Levels, when STRESS was just written on my face, I came to cellgroup and all I did was smile and sit quietly, occassionally burning one or two people, and he couldn’t tell I was awkward. Instead, a cell brother I barely talked to called me out on looking stressed and spacing out and being exhausted. I am not half as close to Sze Liang as I am to Jeremy. But when we do talk, I find there are certain topics I don’t touch with Jem, that Sze Liang and I bring up on the train home. We are one of each other’s closest friends. But that doesn’t mean we understand each other the best.

Not to say that we put up or keep up appearances with each other. There are just things that we instinctively don’t touch on. I care what Jem thinks, and in particular, I care what he thinks of me and what I do. But I have a feeling it would be difficult for me, talking to him about everything. Because that’s just how things happen to be. There are things we don’t touch on not because we don’t want to or that we don’t trust each other, but it’s just simpler and easier if we don’t. And that’s what the basis of our friendship is based on- easy rapport and simplicity. (And no, I do not have a crush on this boy and vice versa.)

There is nothing wrong with that, because first of all he’s naturally more emotionally dense (Boys😞). Second of all, I did that to myself. My lack of self esteem pushed me to want to be a certain way in certain places around certain people. And with Jem, I just so happen to want to feel safe and stable and happy. And the way he sugarcoats things just gives me the perfect setting for that and it doesn’t bother me because I know he is still being as honest with me as he can manage. I have grown from being friends with Jem, because he has definitely pushed me to better myself. But I don’t have to grow when I hang out with Jem. I just smile and laugh and make people smile and laugh and it’s easy. It’s therapeutic.

I think NS has changed him quite a bit though. He’s grown a lot and I couldn’t be more proud of the man he’s become. But I think the fact that it’s no longer ‘turning up with a smile’ for me, tips my emotions off balance a bit. I can’t rely on Sundays to keep things light-hearted anymore. I have to look for that positive energy in myself. And that’s the way it should have been from the start.

Maybe that’s why a small incident like this one throws me off balance so quickly. Uni life is like a small earthquake beneath my feet. I suck at change. But I am trying. And I will keep trying.

Unpatriotic Patriots

My Mum cried because Joseph Schooling won a gold medal at the Rio Olympics.

Me: Mum, are you crying?
Mum: No! *Wipes tears
Me: Omg Mummy is crying?!
Sis: What for? We are the most Unpatriotic Singaporean family ever?!

I don’t usually follow sports. But I started following Joseph Schooling because I felt like he really brought hope to Singapore’s athletic industry. And I like the way he carries himself. No drama, no over-the-top publicity (Thanks to his Mum). I genuinely believe that he’s not just fighting for himself, and his career as an athlete, but for the country that he loves. During the Asia Games, he said, “I really wanted them to play our National Anthem. I really wanted to hear them play it.”

My entire family (Shocker: my Dad included) is stoked that he won. And I think we just really wanted a true born-Singaporean to win. I mean no disrespect, but it’s kind of difficult to be excited about any victory knowing the only reason we are celebrating is because we made a good investment in imports. My family members are probably this country’s harshest critics, from government policies to measures and they are really not happy about the million dollar cash prize given to Olympic Gold medalists either. It was really nice to see them so happy about Schooling’s victory. I feel the excitement and I feel the hype and this is just such a special moment.

As much as our behaviour doesn’t seem patriotic, Singapore is home to my family. I can’t imagine going anywhere else, and that is why I didn’t apply for an overseas Uni despite thinking that I would fail my A Levels miserably. I love this country and everyone in it, Ikea Customers and all. And I really do want to build my dreams here.

Congrats, Joseph Schooling:) You’ve proven that even in our small nation, we can house big dreams.