I didn’t think I was gonna go for True Grace’s 30th Anniversary, but little pushes here and there really compelled me to. Anyways, I’m glad I did because I do miss the Friendly Peeps and the rest of Peter quite a bit.
It’s a funny story. I actually asked God whether or not I should go. Jem was in field camp, and he’s not exactly punctual with his replies. So I decided, if Jem replies while he is in NS uniform- which would mean fresh out of field camp- I’ll go. Ming En’s pastor once said to always ask God for the impossible if you want an answer. But when Jem replied me in bunk…
“Yeah. I’m in NS Uni… actually, I’m half naked uh.”
I swear, Jesus. Is this your way of giving me an open-ended answer? Ha. Not funny.
I went in the end, and despite all my insecurities (Mostly rooting from the fact that my sister kept saying that I look like ‘a Minor trying to get into a club’) everything just fell into place. A cellgroup is a cellgroup. But I think having a XiaoJia is a totally different feeling. I don’t know if it’s the name that is the constant reminder that we need to be a tight-knit family, but we take care of each other. Always. Zhi Gang sat in the empty seat next to me and I never had to get up for food because he was so sweet and took all my food for me. But he won’t be reading this so 谢他也没有用.
My cell mentor is 29 and single pringle😏. He’s fun, he’s manly, he’s a gentleman and as much as he claims to dislike kids, he’s really good with them. He’s 2nd from the left. Enough said👍
Jokes aside, I thought it would be an awkward quiet dinner, but I should have known. A table of 8 guys? Not a chance. They were their usual fun selves, tearing at the noodle basket and finishing it within 3 seconds from when they found out it was edible. Tong Xin trying to be a DOTS bodyguard(God Knows what he was trying to protect) and the boys in all their Kingsmen poses. I judge my Cell, I really do. But these boys really did look dapper in their suits. So I guess they deserved their Kingsmen moment. #MannersMakethMan
I laughed a lot. Smiled a lot. And I had fun. Having said that, familarity is stifling my growth. A lot of things have dotted across my life the last month and while I took a month to figure out that I have been over reacting about it emotionally, I know those thoughts are not baseless. I think what I have reasons and the right to think and if anyone claims otherwise I can defend that. It’s a fine line to many people but to me, this is wide and clear.
The truth is that all I did was sit there, and drama came looking. I know I shouldn’t psychoanalyze my friendships and my friends. It’s just 1st instinct. And it’s scary, in retrospect to think of what I did for my friendships to end up this way and how many problems there were invisible to my eyes. I thought I knew them well. So why is there the need to distance myself now?
I’m not being paranoid. I’m just being very pessimistically honest with myself. I almost always find comfort in the truth though it takes a lot of time and a lot of convincing to sink (Because… Stubborn) so I’m hoping this time will be the same.
I want to change the way I interact with people. I said I wanted my slightly more extroverted side back. It is kind of ironic to try and acheive that by being alone. But I want my confidence to root from myself. What people say should give me a sense of security but that’s it. It shouldn’t be swaying me back and forth.
Plus, I didn’t expect this, but Uni is really starting to get to me. I am so lost in terms of what is tested, what essays I should be writing, which direction I ought to go with it. Whether or not I should S/U freaking accountancy.😒 Stress brings out the worse in me. Accountancy is the next most stressful thing after Econs. Their lectures get uploaded and cleared every week. Ineffective learning at its best. Wish me luck.